• How we treat our body is a great way to practice how we will engage in other relationships. We learn how to engage in future relationships from early relational experiences. Since the relationship with our body is one of the first relationships we have, how we engage with it will teach us how to engage in other relationships, such as with a significant other. So, if we can work towards having more kindness for our body, this kindness will translate to kindness towards ourselves as a whole, then towards others. ​

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• We can’t break up with our body. I know it might sound funny to say, but we can’t just say, “Sorry, Body, you are just too fat, ugly and old for me. I just can’t be around you anymore.” Yes, you might be able to get plastic or orthopedic surgery to change some things, but your body is the starting point and ending point. If you are spending a lot of time and energy hating or changing it, it’s likely wasted time. Your body can have a mind of its own, such as when we have an injury or illness. ​​

As a professional in this field, I have seen many children, women and men struggle with eating disorders. Many of these individuals have struggled most of their lives. Yet, through determination, faith and hope, they found a place in recovery. They were (and still are) not without struggles. But, they saw hope. They did not believe their eating disorder was an incurable illness. 

Eating disorders are treatable! 

Today, I read this woman had died. You can read the article here: http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/22/health/right-to-die-anorexic-woman-dies/index.html. She had died after her parents stopped life support when she fell into a coma, only three months after being allowed to reject treatment. Her attorney responded with saying, "I'm happy my client is finally at peace and it saddens me that modern medicine and a loving, supportive family, despite all the efforts extended, weren't able to help her overcome her illness”. 

Again, I am saddened to hear about the loss of this woman’s life. And, I want to share with those struggling or those who know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, that recovery is possible. I have witnessed the power of hope and faith in the recovery process. There are many different types of treatment available to help fight eating disorders and new treatments are being developed. Some common treatment modalities include:

• Traditional “talk” therapies such as psychodynamic, CBT, DBT, and ACT 
• Trauma therapies such EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems
• Experiential therapies such as art and music therapy 
• Movement therapies such as dance
• Mind-Body therapies such as yoga and meditation  
• Family Therapy
• Animal assisted therapy such as equine therapy
• Dietary Therapy
• Psychotropic medications
• And much much more! 

In short, I hope as a society, we can both understand that eating disorders are deadly and know eating disorders are treatable. It is important that we work on eating disorder prevention by educating parents, teachers, doctors, nurses, clergy, et cetera about how to detect eating disorders, reduce bodily shame, reject the dieting industry, cope with emotional stressors and use healthy supports. If we spot eating disorders early, we can not only reduce the risk of death but also help someone reach a full life in recovery.

Resources:  https://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/directors/thomas-insel/blog/2012/spotlight-on-eating-disorders.shtml#i

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Do you turn on your computer or phone and check to see how many people “liked” the new photo you posted of yourself eating a gourmet meal? Or wonder if that old friend from high school decided to “accept” your friend request?
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Think about it, how much time do you spend on Facebook a day? Five minutes? Ten minutes? Thirty? And, how much time do you spend consumed with social media interactions, whether concerned about how others might respond to your own posts or spending time engaged in conversations with others on Facebook? 

On the other end of the spectrum, imagine a caregiver did not attune (connect), validate, soothe or reassure the child, but instead ignored, laughed at or punished the child for falling. This child could end up feeling poorly about themselves, grow angry or saddened (as well as not know how to tolerate painful experiences—a topic for another blog). 

So, referencing the definitions of validation above and the explanation about how it relates to attachment, we can come to some important conclusions.

1. Validation is essential for self-esteem and self-worth. 
2. Validation leads to healthy relationships with others and one’s self.
3. Validation helps us to connect and feel connection with others.

A note on self-validation:
Self-validation also comes from healthy attachment from our caregivers. If we experienced healthy relationships and emotional validation as a child, it is easier to internalize those experiences as we age. This is often seen in adolescents and young adults as they move away from needing support from their caregivers to accomplish tasks, find motivation and face challenges. During this time, they are more able to self-soothe and validate. However, if we experienced unhealthy attachments or lacked validation from our caregivers as a child, we might be harsh on ourselves, experiencing blame, guilt and shame. 

Myths about validation

Before we look at how to validate others, it’s important to address two myths about validation I often hear when working with individuals, couples and families.

Validation is the same as “agreeing”. 
When I am working with individuals and families on increasing their use of validation, they often confuse validation with “agreeing”. For instance, they might say, “I don’t want to tell her I understand she feels ‘fat’ because I don’t believe she is ‘fat’”. 

​When we agree with someone, essentially, we are saying, ‘that is correct’ and we take their experience on as our own. When we provide validation, however, we are saying that we can understand why they might feel a certain way and in doing so, we are also saying what they are thinking or feeling is worthwhile. 

​Validation means I am going to make the situation worse.
Take the example of the child falling from above; imagine their caregiver did not acknowledge their pain because they were afraid the child would not stop crying. In this case, they would be invalidating the child’s experience in fear of it leading to more distress. This is not the case. Validation leads to deescalation, not escalation. When we feel heard by someone else, we feel better emotionally and physically. We experience a sense of comfort and connection leading us to feel less pain. Therefore, saying you understand why someone might feel sad, will not lead them to fall into a deep pool of depression. Rather, they will feel more able to tackle their sadness knowing they are not alone. 


How do we validate others?

Validation comes from being able to connect to someone else by trying to understand their point of view or experience. This means we might have to step out of our own shoes and take a step in someone else's. For instance, you might let them know you hear what they are expressing or you can understand why they might think or feel a specific way. Also, you can ask more about the experience, which will let them know you are attuning to their feelings and you care about them.  

Let’s look at some examples of how to validate using the story at the beginning of this blog. 

1. ”I imagine it must be stressful to be yelled at by customers. I can see how you would feel drained.” 
2. “I see how hard you work at helping customers, so getting yelled at must have been horrible.” 
3. “That must have been so frustrating! How did you deal with the customers?” 

Guess what, validation is difficult!

Why? 

During the times it is most important to validate someone, we are often experiencing our own intense emotions. We struggle to step out of our own experience and into another’s. For example, we might be struggling because we are arguing about something we have a different opinion about or we also feel upset about the situation being discussed. 

If you are struggling to validate the other person, let them know and explain why. It is best for the person to know you are wanting to connect with them in their experience but you are struggling at the moment. Discuss talking about the situation later when you might be able to attune more closely. And most importantly, get your own validation and help with your experience. Talking to a friend, mentor or professional about your struggles can help you better be able to engage more healthfully in the future. 

If you struggle with self-validation, it’s okay. You can learn to validate yourself over time through help from new healthy relationships and often a therapist. You can also work to unravel past experiences from your caregivers and gain new, validating and healthy internal dialogue, increasing your self-worth.

Remember, validation is not easy. We all struggle with it. We all need to experience validation to develop self-worth and connection in relationships. And know it can take time to learn the skills to validate, but it is possible!

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

Let’s face it. We all hate painful experiences. We dislike them so much, we try to not feel experiences that might be uncomfortable. Pain is inevitable, yet we often work hard to avoid it. So, why do we try to move away or detach from pain? 

I will explore the answer to this question as I explain how a Buddhist perspective on pain and suffering can be used in a psychotherapy context. Eastern philosophies, such as Buddhism, have become a common influence on modern psychotherapies, which seek to help individuals increase their sense of agency over personal struggles. This can be seen through the use of yoga, meditation, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy found in psychotherapy offices around the country. 


Pain and suffering defined

Suffering refers to the psychological experience of everything being impermanent, while pain is considered a natural part of being human. Suffering comes in three forms. One, is the experience of physical and emotional discomfort/pain. Two, is the realization that life is constantly changing, leading to unhappiness as we seek stability. Three, is the dissatisfaction from this instability in life. 

Defining suffering simply: we will experience pain, we will notice change and we are uncomfortable with the pain and changes we experience in life. The existence of these three natural occurrences can lead to personal suffering.

Although pain is an inevitable aspect of life, suffering can be a choice. Our suffering is caused by our own perception of these natural changes in life (both comfortable and uncomfortable), and our attachment or desire to move away from these experiences. 


Here is how this perspective relates to psychological health:

As humans, we want to move away from experiences that might feel physically or emotionally painful. Sometimes, as a means to avoid these experiences, we turn towards other seemingly more pleasant experiences. These alternatives can seem “helpful” at first, but slowly they can become maladaptive or harmful, leading us to experience suffering. 

Here are two examples, one physical and one emotional:
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• Chronic pain is a common condition that has increased in occurrence in the past decade. Someone struggling with chronic pain is not able to “rid” themselves of the pain. This pain can lead to psychological distress. If the individual focuses on this pain too much and allows their experience of chronic pain to consume themselves emotionally, they will create suffering. Or, if the individual ignores their physical pain, they could further injure themselves or not engage in self-care which might help reduce their pain. Thus, by avoiding, they can create more suffering. However, if they are able to differentiate their physical pain from their emotional pain and use skills to cope with the emotional distress, they can reduce and sometimes eliminate their suffering.

 

• We experience an encounter at work/school, a trauma or an end of a relationship that evokes an unwanted emotion (e.g., anxiety, anger, sadness, stress). Then, we may turn to other behaviors to avoid, ignore or suppress these uncomfortable feelings, such as exercising, dieting, overeating, working too much, watching TV, sleeping, drinking alcohol or using drugs. At first, we might notice these ways to avoid, feel better than the painful experience. Yet, despite engaging in these behaviors, we can’t seem to fully push the painful feelings away. Over time we discover these ways to “cope” have turned into a whole new bag of problems, and we are left feeling more distressed. 

In both situations, if we try to overly focus or avoid, we end up experiencing more suffering than we would if we allowed ourselves to listen, validate and move through the experience. 

Physically, we all experience aches, injuries and the effects of aging. Emotionally, we all experience sadness, happiness (and the end of happiness), grief, anger, fear, guilt, etc. Thus, denying, trying to avoid or losing sight of these experiences will lead to distress.

And this is how we create our own suffering. We mistake painful and uncomfortable experiences as abnormal and harmful, leading us towards creating suffering, as we attempt to disown the normal experience of being human. Or, in a lack of understanding of the impermanence of our pain, we create more discomfort by losing sight in the ebb and flow of the changes in life. 

This problem is not just internal. As a society, we have also become too focused on instant gratification, happiness and success as the primary goals in life. When, in truth it is important to accept and acknowledge painful experiences because they help us to grow as individuals. 

What to do now?

1. Begin to explore the idea that pain and suffering are different. Know that just because something doesn’t feel “comfortable” does not mean it is “bad”. See if you can view the experience as it is—an experience. 
2. Understand how the cycle of moving towards (attaching) or moving away (detaching) from the pain leads to suffering. Reduce your suffering by not giving an experience a judgment or qualifier (e.g., “This is horrible” or “I am always going to feel this bad”). Instead, observe what you are directly experiencing at that moment (e.g., “I am experiencing a burning sensation across my right hand and wrist” or “I feel sad”).
3. Embrace the experience of allowing a feeling to change. Nothing is permanent. If you feel sad or feel an urge to engage in an unhealthy behavior, know the feeling will pass, sometimes it just takes time (e.g., “I feel a burning sensation, and this will pass” or “I feel sad, and this will pass”).
4. Get help from an experienced professional (such as a therapist) to support and help you learn how to cope with and move through painful experiences. This often involves noticing, validating, accepting and tolerating the discomfort you might feel, while challenging beliefs which might create more suffering. 
5. And remember you are not alone in painful experiences; it is an inevitable part of life.

In short, if we try to avoid or, in another extreme, over embrace pain, it can cause even MORE problems or suffering. The experience of pain is not a lose-lose situation. It is simply an experience. If we understand how we give painful experiences mental power in our lives by the stories we attach to them, we can gain agency over our own level of suffering.  With this understanding we can work towards making healthier choices within ourselves and in our relationships with others.