Pain is inevitable but suffering is up to you

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

Let’s face it. We all hate painful experiences. We dislike them so much, we try to not feel experiences that might be uncomfortable. Pain is inevitable, yet we often work hard to avoid it. So, why do we try to move away or detach from pain? 

I will explore the answer to this question as I explain how a Buddhist perspective on pain and suffering can be used in a psychotherapy context. Eastern philosophies, such as Buddhism, have become a common influence on modern psychotherapies, which seek to help individuals increase their sense of agency over personal struggles. This can be seen through the use of yoga, meditation, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy found in psychotherapy offices around the country. 


Pain and suffering defined

Suffering refers to the psychological experience of everything being impermanent, while pain is considered a natural part of being human. Suffering comes in three forms. One, is the experience of physical and emotional discomfort/pain. Two, is the realization that life is constantly changing, leading to unhappiness as we seek stability. Three, is the dissatisfaction from this instability in life. 

Defining suffering simply: we will experience pain, we will notice change and we are uncomfortable with the pain and changes we experience in life. The existence of these three natural occurrences can lead to personal suffering.

Although pain is an inevitable aspect of life, suffering can be a choice. Our suffering is caused by our own perception of these natural changes in life (both comfortable and uncomfortable), and our attachment or desire to move away from these experiences. 


Here is how this perspective relates to psychological health:

As humans, we want to move away from experiences that might feel physically or emotionally painful. Sometimes, as a means to avoid these experiences, we turn towards other seemingly more pleasant experiences. These alternatives can seem “helpful” at first, but slowly they can become maladaptive or harmful, leading us to experience suffering. 

Here are two examples, one physical and one emotional:
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• Chronic pain is a common condition that has increased in occurrence in the past decade. Someone struggling with chronic pain is not able to “rid” themselves of the pain. This pain can lead to psychological distress. If the individual focuses on this pain too much and allows their experience of chronic pain to consume themselves emotionally, they will create suffering. Or, if the individual ignores their physical pain, they could further injure themselves or not engage in self-care which might help reduce their pain. Thus, by avoiding, they can create more suffering. However, if they are able to differentiate their physical pain from their emotional pain and use skills to cope with the emotional distress, they can reduce and sometimes eliminate their suffering.

 

• We experience an encounter at work/school, a trauma or an end of a relationship that evokes an unwanted emotion (e.g., anxiety, anger, sadness, stress). Then, we may turn to other behaviors to avoid, ignore or suppress these uncomfortable feelings, such as exercising, dieting, overeating, working too much, watching TV, sleeping, drinking alcohol or using drugs. At first, we might notice these ways to avoid, feel better than the painful experience. Yet, despite engaging in these behaviors, we can’t seem to fully push the painful feelings away. Over time we discover these ways to “cope” have turned into a whole new bag of problems, and we are left feeling more distressed. 

In both situations, if we try to overly focus or avoid, we end up experiencing more suffering than we would if we allowed ourselves to listen, validate and move through the experience. 

Physically, we all experience aches, injuries and the effects of aging. Emotionally, we all experience sadness, happiness (and the end of happiness), grief, anger, fear, guilt, etc. Thus, denying, trying to avoid or losing sight of these experiences will lead to distress.

And this is how we create our own suffering. We mistake painful and uncomfortable experiences as abnormal and harmful, leading us towards creating suffering, as we attempt to disown the normal experience of being human. Or, in a lack of understanding of the impermanence of our pain, we create more discomfort by losing sight in the ebb and flow of the changes in life. 

This problem is not just internal. As a society, we have also become too focused on instant gratification, happiness and success as the primary goals in life. When, in truth it is important to accept and acknowledge painful experiences because they help us to grow as individuals. 

What to do now?

1. Begin to explore the idea that pain and suffering are different. Know that just because something doesn’t feel “comfortable” does not mean it is “bad”. See if you can view the experience as it is—an experience. 
2. Understand how the cycle of moving towards (attaching) or moving away (detaching) from the pain leads to suffering. Reduce your suffering by not giving an experience a judgment or qualifier (e.g., “This is horrible” or “I am always going to feel this bad”). Instead, observe what you are directly experiencing at that moment (e.g., “I am experiencing a burning sensation across my right hand and wrist” or “I feel sad”).
3. Embrace the experience of allowing a feeling to change. Nothing is permanent. If you feel sad or feel an urge to engage in an unhealthy behavior, know the feeling will pass, sometimes it just takes time (e.g., “I feel a burning sensation, and this will pass” or “I feel sad, and this will pass”).
4. Get help from an experienced professional (such as a therapist) to support and help you learn how to cope with and move through painful experiences. This often involves noticing, validating, accepting and tolerating the discomfort you might feel, while challenging beliefs which might create more suffering. 
5. And remember you are not alone in painful experiences; it is an inevitable part of life.

In short, if we try to avoid or, in another extreme, over embrace pain, it can cause even MORE problems or suffering. The experience of pain is not a lose-lose situation. It is simply an experience. If we understand how we give painful experiences mental power in our lives by the stories we attach to them, we can gain agency over our own level of suffering.  With this understanding we can work towards making healthier choices within ourselves and in our relationships with others.  

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