Blog Posts

Social Media: A “managed state of being”

2/21/2017

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Do you turn on your computer or phone and check to see how many people “liked” the new photo you posted of yourself eating a gourmet meal? Or wonder if that old friend from high school decided to “accept” your friend request?

Think about it, how much time do you spend on Facebook a day? Five minutes? Ten minutes? Thirty? And, how much time do you spend consumed with social media interactions, whether concerned about how others might respond to your own posts or spending time engaged in conversations with others on Facebook?

Facebook reported in 2016 that people spend an average of 50 minutes a day on Facebook.

50 minutes! That is A LOT of time, and I imagine this number might be higher for many. It may not seem like a lot, but it shows we are spending just as much time on social media as we do on necessities such as eating and drinking, which take on average just over an hour of our time each day. Society is somewhat aware of the extensive amount of time spent on social media. This is why businesses often encourage you to “check in” or comment on their Facebook page.

Facebook’s report only included time actively signed in on your account. If you also consider the time spent taking pictures of things for social media, editing them, thinking about what your next post will be or wondering what a friend might be posting, then the time spent on social media activities is likely much higher.

So, knowing most Americans spend tons of time on social media, do you ever wonder what this type of communication might mean for us?

Social media is changing the way we communicate.

Throughout history, technology has changed the way we communicate with others. We went from writing letters, to telegrams, to telephone calls, to e-mails, to text messages and to video chatting. Today, people often spend more time text messaging than talking on the phone. Also, since we have so much information at our fingertips with the smartphone, we tend to see more people gazing down at their phones when spending time together, rather than looking at each other and chatting. Although we have learned to adapt to these changes, it is important to understand how technology may have changed the way we relate and communicate with each other.

Today, we will specifically look at social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.).

Social media has become a new and innovative way to connect, share ideas and express ourselves. Social media’s level of communication is unique in how it serves as a way to connect to a few, or hundreds, or even thousands of people in one quick swoop. It allows us to interact with people we might have never met and builds bridges in mutual relationships that would be much harder offline. For instance, I can easily comment on a friend’s post and that friend’s friend (whom I do not know) could comment on my post too. Then, we get to chatting, when likely it would be much harder to have such an experience offline (other than attending a party). Social media also allows us to see what thousands of people have to say about a specific topic at any given moment, which is much more difficult in face-to-face communication. Today, social media is almost unavoidable and hard to opt-out of due to many organizations such as schools, non-profits and businesses using social media as a platform to work on projects and network.

When you think about it, social media’s level of communication is extremely extensive and shows a level of personal exposure like no other.

However, this is a computer-based medium that is completely self-controlled. Meaning, we are able to manage what, when and how we communicate with others. This means we can portray ourselves in whatever way we want.

Let’s look at some of the ways we can “manage” our image via social media. We can:

Change photos of ourselves (through photo filters and editing programs).
Decide which photos of ourselves we would like others to see.
Decide what information, thoughts, opinions and feelings we want to share with others and when.
Choose which people we want to be publicly associated with by who we ‘friend’ and what pages we ‘like’.
Choose who can and cannot see specific aspects of our page.

This level of impression management might be correlated to the fact that we can be more exposed through social media. Security and level of self-disclosure aside, lots of people will see what you decide post. Therefore, it might be easy to default into a desire to manage one’s image, but when is this decision healthy or problematic, and are we compromising authenticity?

Can we manage this all in life outside of social media? Maybe, but likely it is much more difficult. It would be much harder to do this extensive level of managed self-portrayal in person…unless I am just the only one who doesn’t have the ability to airbrush myself every time I see someone in person.

A “managed state of being”

I call engaging in social media a “managed state of being”. By managed, it means you are in charge, deciding the details for others to see. You can expose as little or as much as you want. So, in the social media world, there will be people who do not hold back and are authentic. And, there will be those who do lots of editing. Each have their advantages and disadvantages.

This is different from how we typically engage with others. Yes, we might wear make up, or we might make conscious decisions about what we share with others. But, in face-to-face interactions, are we managing our presentation to such a frequency and degree?

That is a question you would have to answer for yourself. Only you know to want degree you “manage” yourself in social media or in person.

Either way, it is important to know that what you see on social media is not necessarily the same as what you would see outside of the screen or in someone’s internal world.

Why is this important?

When we think what we experience in the virtual world is the same as face-to-face interactions, we might find ourselves struggling with emotional distress when we see there is a difference in how people portray themselves. And, we might have a different understanding of how healthy relationships function. This is especially important for children and adolescents who are learning about social engagement. Children and adolescents are using social media more and more to interact with each other. If they fail to understand how others might be managing their image, they could end up getting mixed messages about themselves. For instance, they might believe everyone has flawless skin or has expensive weekend get-a-ways.

What to do?

Remember, social media has the ability to connect, engage and encourage relationships. However, it is important to look at what our intentions are when engaging in social media and how we are portraying ourselves.

We also should understand that the managed state of portrayal in social media is not necessarily a representation of authentic relationships. Authentic relationships include having honest interactions where we feel safe enough to share varying levels of vulnerability with the other. This means we do not feel we need to portray ourselves a certain way to feel accepted. Face-to-face interactions help us engage in authentic and non-superficial relationships. This is because face-to-face interactions help us learn social skills such as understanding non-verbal cues and emotional states, which help us connect.

Authentic relationships are important for mental and physical health. We need to know we have supportive and mutual relationships with others with whom we can share our thoughts, feelings and beliefs with, without censorship.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: We should also make sure we are actively engaging in relationships outside the screen. The more we can have relationships outside of social media the better. This does not mean we can’t have fun participating on social media. Using social media can be a great addition to your already established face-to-face connections. Meaning face-to-face relationships come first, and social media relationships come second!

Resources: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/06/business/facebook-bends-the-rules-of-audience-engagement-to-its-advantage.html?_r=0

“Listen to me!!!”: The importance of validation in relationships

2/14/2017

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

You get home from a long day at work and as you sit down to relax, your partner asks how your day was. You share feelings of frustration about being yelled at by a customer. You are hoping your partner will listen and provide comfort, because your day seemed horrible. Somehow, it doesn’t turn out this way. Your partner also had a stressful day with students in the classroom. So, instead your partner tells you “that was nothing compared to my day; you have it so easy”. You feel a hallowing in your stomach and a sense of emptiness creeps over you. You want to understand your partner’s struggles, but you also feel alone in your own experience of wanting to connect and be heard.

Have you ever taken the risk of sharing a feeling or thought about something to a friend or family member, only to leave the conversation feeling alone, frustrated or unheard?

Most of us would answer that question with a big “YES”.

Being vulnerable with someone by taking the risk of sharing something important and getting little reciprocity leads to an uncomfortable, yet common feeling of rejection or emotional invalidation.

Emotional invalidation is a leading cause of distress in relationships, because when someone does not feel heard or understood, they can often become defensive or isolate. For example, if we do not provide validation during times of disagreement or conflict, it can lead to an escalation of emotions as each person tries to be heard.

Invalidation can also be seen within one’s self when we disregard or dismiss our feelings. This can lead to further distress as we fail to care for ourselves in a healthy way.

What is emotional validation?

In psychological and relational terms, validation is the recognition and affirmation that an individual’s thoughts, feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Emotional validation is the process of listening, recognizing and acknowledging someone’s internal experience as accepted and fully heard by the other.

(Note: I will use the word validation in this blog to mean emotional validation in this specific psychological sense.)

To understand validation more fully, lets look at how it develops. Validation originates from our earliest experiences with our caregivers. In psychology we call this attachment. Attachment is the psychological connectedness (and process of psychological connectedness) between human beings which is formed through experiences with our caregivers as we develop from infants to adults. For example, as babies we are unable to care for ourselves, so we require assistance from our caregivers. This caring includes relying on physical needs such as bathing, feeding and changing our diapers and emotional needs such as soothing us when we feel upset. Validation is a direct experience of healthy attachment.

For instance, as we are learning to walk or run it’s not uncommon to do a face-plant on the ground and hurt ourselves. With healthy attachment, when we cry from falling down our caregiver will come to look at the cut, tell us “I know it hurts” and will reassure us we will be fine. In this situation, we experience a sense of deep connection as our pain is validated from our caregiver. Through this interaction, we perceive our caregiver saying, “I hear you are upset, I can see why and I am here to support you”. In response, we get up, and start running around the house again feeling invincible. This experience gives us the strength and courage to face the world.

On the other end of the spectrum, imagine a caregiver did not attune (connect), validate, soothe or reassure the child, but instead ignored, laughed at or punished the child for falling. This child could end up feeling poorly about themselves, grow angry or saddened (as well as not know how to tolerate painful experiences—a topic for another blog).

So, referencing the definitions of validation above and the explanation about how it relates to attachment, we can come to some important conclusions.

Validation is essential for self-esteem and self-worth.
Validation leads to healthy relationships with others and one’s self.
Validation helps us to connect and feel connection with others.

A note on self-validation:
Self-validation also comes from healthy attachment from our caregivers. If we experienced healthy relationships and emotional validation as a child, it is easier to internalize those experiences as we age. This is often seen in adolescents and young adults as they move away from needing support from their caregivers to accomplish tasks, find motivation and face challenges. During this time, they are more able to self-soothe and validate. However, if we experienced unhealthy attachments or lacked validation from our caregivers as a child, we might be harsh on ourselves, experiencing blame, guilt and shame.

Myths about validation

Before we look at how to validate others, it’s important to address two myths about validation I often hear when working with individuals, couples and families.

Validation is the same as “agreeing”.
When I am working with individuals and families on increasing their use of validation, they often confuse validation with “agreeing”. For instance, they might say, “I don’t want to tell her I understand she feels ‘fat’ because I don’t believe she is ‘fat’”.

When we agree with someone, essentially, we are saying, ‘that is correct’ and we take their experience on as our own. When we provide validation, however, we are saying that we can understand why they might feel a certain way and in doing so, we are also saying what they are thinking or feeling is worthwhile.

Validation means I am going to make the situation worse.
Take the example of the child falling from above; imagine their caregiver did not acknowledge their pain because they were afraid the child would not stop crying. In this case, they would be invalidating the child’s experience in fear of it leading to more distress. This is not the case. Validation leads to deescalation, not escalation. When we feel heard by someone else, we feel better emotionally and physically. We experience a sense of comfort and connection leading us to feel less pain. Therefore, saying you understand why someone might feel sad, will not lead them to fall into a deep pool of depression. Rather, they will feel more able to tackle their sadness knowing they are not alone.

How do we validate others?

Validation comes from being able to connect to someone else by trying to understand their point of view or experience. This means we might have to step out of our own shoes and take a step in someone else's. For instance, you might let them know you hear what they are expressing or you can understand why they might think or feel a specific way. Also, you can ask more about the experience, which will let them know you are attuning to their feelings and you care about them.

Let’s look at some examples of how to validate using the story at the beginning of this blog.

”I imagine it must be stressful to be yelled at by customers. I can see how you would feel drained.”
“I see how hard you work at helping customers, so getting yelled at must have been horrible.”
“That must have been so frustrating! How did you deal with the customers?”

Guess what, validation is difficult!

Why?

During the times it is most important to validate someone, we are often experiencing our own intense emotions. We struggle to step out of our own experience and into another’s. For example, we might be struggling because we are arguing about something we have a different opinion about or we also feel upset about the situation being discussed.

If you are struggling to validate the other person, let them know and explain why. It is best for the person to know you are wanting to connect with them in their experience but you are struggling at the moment. Discuss talking about the situation later when you might be able to attune more closely. And most importantly, get your own validation and help with your experience. Talking to a friend, mentor or professional about your struggles can help you better be able to engage more healthfully in the future.

If you struggle with self-validation, it’s okay. You can learn to validate yourself over time through help from new healthy relationships and often a therapist. You can also work to unravel past experiences from your caregivers and gain new, validating and healthy internal dialogue, increasing your self-worth.

Remember, validation is not easy. We all struggle with it. We all need to experience validation to develop self-worth and connection in relationships. And know it can take time to learn the skills to validate, but it is possible!

Pain is inevitable but suffering is up to you

2/9/2017

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

Let’s face it. We all hate painful experiences. We dislike them so much, we try to not feel experiences that might be uncomfortable. Pain is inevitable, yet we often work hard to avoid it. So, why do we try to move away or detach from pain?

I will explore the answer to this question as I explain how a Buddhist perspective on pain and suffering can be used in a psychotherapy context. Eastern philosophies, such as Buddhism, have become a common influence on modern psychotherapies, which seek to help individuals increase their sense of agency over personal struggles. This can be seen through the use of yoga, meditation, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy found in psychotherapy offices around the country.

Pain and suffering defined

Suffering refers to the psychological experience of everything being impermanent, while pain is considered a natural part of being human. Suffering comes in three forms. One, is the experience of physical and emotional discomfort/pain. Two, is the realization that life is constantly changing, leading to unhappiness as we seek stability. Three, is the dissatisfaction from this instability in life.

Defining suffering simply: we will experience pain, we will notice change and we are uncomfortable with the pain and changes we experience in life. The existence of these three natural occurrences can lead to personal suffering.

Although pain is an inevitable aspect of life, suffering can be a choice. Our suffering is caused by our own perception of these natural changes in life (both comfortable and uncomfortable), and our attachment or desire to move away from these experiences.

Here is how this perspective relates to psychological health:

As humans, we want to move away from experiences that might feel physically or emotionally painful. Sometimes, as a means to avoid these experiences, we turn towards other seemingly more pleasant experiences. These alternatives can seem “helpful” at first, but slowly they can become maladaptive or harmful, leading us to experience suffering.

Here are two examples, one physical and one emotional:

Chronic pain is a common condition that has increased in occurrence in the past decade. Someone struggling with chronic pain is not able to “rid” themselves of the pain. This pain can lead to psychological distress. If the individual focuses on this pain too much and allows their experience of chronic pain to consume themselves emotionally, they will create suffering. Or, if the individual ignores their physical pain, they could further injure themselves or not engage in self-care which might help reduce their pain. Thus, by avoiding, they can create more suffering. However, if they are able to differentiate their physical pain from their emotional pain and use skills to cope with the emotional distress, they can reduce and sometimes eliminate their suffering.

We experience an encounter at work/school, a trauma or an end of a relationship that evokes an unwanted emotion (e.g., anxiety, anger, sadness, stress). Then, we may turn to other behaviors to avoid, ignore or suppress these uncomfortable feelings, such as exercising, dieting, overeating, working too much, watching TV, sleeping, drinking alcohol or using drugs. At first, we might notice these ways to avoid, feel better than the painful experience. Yet, despite engaging in these behaviors, we can’t seem to fully push the painful feelings away. Over time we discover these ways to “cope” have turned into a whole new bag of problems, and we are left feeling more distressed.

In both situations, if we try to overly focus or avoid, we end up experiencing more suffering than we would if we allowed ourselves to listen, validate and move through the experience.

Physically, we all experience aches, injuries and the effects of aging. Emotionally, we all experience sadness, happiness (and the end of happiness), grief, anger, fear, guilt, etc. Thus, denying, trying to avoid or losing sight of these experiences will lead to distress.

And this is how we create our own suffering. We mistake painful and uncomfortable experiences as abnormal and harmful, leading us towards creating suffering, as we attempt to disown the normal experience of being human. Or, in a lack of understanding of the impermanence of our pain, we create more discomfort by losing sight in the ebb and flow of the changes in life.

This problem is not just internal. As a society, we have also become too focused on instant gratification, happiness and success as the primary goals in life. When, in truth it is important to accept and acknowledge painful experiences because they help us to grow as individuals.

What to do now?

Begin to explore the idea that pain and suffering are different. Know that just because something doesn’t feel “comfortable” does not mean it is “bad”. See if you can view the experience as it is—an experience.
Understand how the cycle of moving towards (attaching) or moving away (detaching) from the pain leads to suffering. Reduce your suffering by not giving an experience a judgment or qualifier (e.g., “This is horrible” or “I am always going to feel this bad”). Instead, observe what you are directly experiencing at that moment (e.g., “I am experiencing a burning sensation across my right hand and wrist” or “I feel sad”).
Embrace the experience of allowing a feeling to change. Nothing is permanent. If you feel sad or feel an urge to engage in an unhealthy behavior, know the feeling will pass, sometimes it just takes time (e.g., “I feel a burning sensation, and this will pass” or “I feel sad, and this will pass”).
Get help from an experienced professional (such as a therapist) to support and help you learn how to cope with and move through painful experiences. This often involves noticing, validating, accepting and tolerating the discomfort you might feel, while challenging beliefs which might create more suffering.
And remember you are not alone in painful experiences; it is an inevitable part of life.

In short, if we try to avoid or, in another extreme, over embrace pain, it can cause even MORE problems or suffering. The experience of pain is not a lose-lose situation. It is simply an experience. If we understand how we give painful experiences mental power in our lives by the stories we attach to them, we can gain agency over our own level of suffering. With this understanding we can work towards making healthier choices within ourselves and in our relationships with others.

The body scale: Stop objectifying yourself and start listening to your body

2/4/2017

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

You walk into the bathroom and snuggled on the floor next to your cabinets or sink sits a square shaped fortune teller…the bathroom scale. You take a deep breath as you look down at it. You begin chanting to yourself, “Okay, please say I didn’t gain weight” or “I better have lost a pound”. Then, you take the dreaded step on and hope for the best. You anxiously await the answer to all of your problems for the day (or week), almost like the young Tom Hanks in the movie Big when he awaits his fortune from that creepy Zoltar Speaks machine….

Then, you see the number, and it tells you how you are going to think, feel and act for the remainder of the day or week or even year! If the number is higher than you would like, you tell yourself how BAD or STUPID you are for messing up. You might decide you are going on a diet, watching your food intake, eating only salad today, working out more, eating no desserts— you get the idea. Or, you firmly believe that the number MUST be wrong, so you take a few clothes off or go use the restroom and hop back on hoping for a different result. You might go to work or school stressed out, depressed and anxious.

If the number is lower than expected, you do a little dance in the bathroom, congratulate yourself, and give yourself more encouragement to “keep up the good work”. You make some judgment about your food intake (whether you can “splurge” or need to keep eating those salads and continue to cut back on the carbs), and you go into work or school feeling on top of the world! After all, you just got the biggest streak of confidence, from a $20 machine from Target, telling you that now you are worth everything in this world.

Does this sound familiar?

The body scale is both a loved and hated device by males and females in America. Our society believes in the power of this magical device to cure all of our problems: physical, emotional and even spiritual. The scale has become a false idol, or golden calf, for the American people. So, how did we get to this place of giving so much of our power to a machine? First, let’s look at the history of the scale.

Historians have records of people using scales as early as 2400 BC. Scales have mainly been used as a way to measure goods for bartering or payment. A merchant might use a scale to make sure they aren’t getting a bad deal on some goods they are exchanging or to make sure there is a just deal on payment. Over time, scales have also been used as a way to increase accuracy in scientific pursuits. In the recent past, doctors primarily used the scale as a means to measure weight, and this was because of changes in diet and living styles due to industrialization. Also, weight is helpful for various treatment that might require medications dependent on a set formula.

Many doctors began to overly (and sometimes mistakenly) use weight as a proxy for health and began to set the stage for the personal use of a scale in the home. This was reinforced by the billion dollar dieting industry that was just waiting for a way to make more money off of people’s insecurities and fear. Now, bathroom scales are a regular purchase, and it is a common find in the American’s bathroom. So, instead of scales being used to help with economic trade or scientific methods, we use the scale to measure our worth. We have turned our body (and our mind and spirit) into a good--we have been objectifying ourselves.

There are many problems with our use of the scale, and I will do my best to highlight the most prominent points. Overall, the scale is completely inaccurate in regard to our health and fitness, which is often the reason people use the scale (INCLUDING DOCTORS!).

The body is composed of more than just “fat”. Our weight is the result of substances like water, muscle tissue, fatty tissue, bones, organs, bodily waste, etc. Our body is also constantly shifting composition; thus, shifting weight. For instance, we have water fluctuations regularly (especially, if you are a women with hormonal changes), and we have digestive changes that greatly influence our weight.

Physical health is not a magical number—meaning you MUST be a certain number or range of numbers to be healthy. Studies have shown that sometimes people who are slightly above a normal weight range can actually be healthier in the long run than those considered underweight. (Note: weight ranges are part of a medical guideline for doctors to use…and a topic for another blog.)

Physical health has more to do with other factors such as blood pressure, cholesterol, being free of disease or injury and having a balanced life (such as with diet, exercise, stress and sleep). Thus, someone’s weight on the scale does not mean they are more or less physically healthy. A good example of how weight can display inaccuracies is with athletes. They will often appear to be in the “overweight” range, according to medical standards. However, they have developed more muscle mass to increase strength and performance, which might be displayed at a higher weight. And while some athletes might still be unhealthy (i.e., overexercising, use of substances, unbalanced diet, etc.) on average our society would consider athletes to be “healthy”. This misconception is not just for athletes, this is for anyone. You could be considered “overweight” but still be healthy.

Most importantly, the scale does not tell the story of who you are, including all of your values and beliefs. By using the scale, we are saying, “I am a product which needs to be of a certain amount to get the best price and be worth the MOST”. You are not a PRODUCT; you are a HUMAN BEING with a beautiful sense of uniqueness. By using the scale, we are giving it so much POWER over our worth. We allow the number to dictate our thoughts, feelings and actions. Nothing should have that much power in our lives.

Here is what to do:

THROW AWAY (or in some cases BREAK) your scale!!! It is very freeing! You will feel much more empowered in your life. If it helps you take your focus off the number when you go to the doctor, ask them to weigh yourself backward and not tell you your weight. Encourage others to stop weighing themselves. If you want to get proactive you can even talk to others about not using the scale as a means to better understand their level of health.

Most importantly, if you want to focus on your physical (and emotional health) pay attention to how you feel in your body, not the number or the size. As scary as it might be and as much as we are often told not to, look inward and listen to your body. Allow your body to guide the way. If you listen, you might find a world of wisdom, which sometimes can vary from day to day. Paying attention to your body will likely bring you more peace…and better fortune than any machine bought from Target.

So, you (or the males in your life) don’t look like Thor…and it’s OKAY!

2/1/2017

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS

There is an awesome movement going around based on body positivity and acceptance of weight at any size. You might have seen images on Instagram, listened to podcasts or read articles about women posting pictures of themselves in the style typically portrayed by underweight models. I say it is awesome, because it is amazing to see women not just accepting their bodies, but allowing others to know that they accept their bodies. Because quite frankly, as a women it can be a hard enough task to acknowledge to yourself that you love your body but to also declare this love in the face of others who might criticize your appearance, well that takes COURAGE!

Today, I am not going to talk about this movement as it pertains to women. I am here to talk about how this movement might be getting missed (or at least less recognized) for men. Yes, males struggle with body image too. This was recently discussed in a Time magazine article (Held, M. [2017, January 5]. Why men have more body image issues than ever. Retrieved from http://time.com/4622653/men-body-image-muscle-steroids). For males, the struggle usually revolves around beliefs about needing to be lean and muscular. You know, the six-pack abs idea. They often struggle with what is called “muscle dysmorphia”, which is common in body builders who obsess about being inadequately muscular when to others they look like Arnold Schwarzenegger from the Terminator. Men will devote hours, upon hours of their day at the gym, spend excessive amounts of money on supplements, use steroids and develop disordered eating habits — all in the effort to try to reach their unrealistic goals.

So you might be asking yourself, how do boys and men develop body image concerns? In the same way girls and women do: society and the media. Males are constantly being exposed to messages saying they need to look lean and muscular. Watching movies, playing video games, viewing magazines and watching athletes play their favorite sports, all contribute to these beliefs. One of the biggest problems for males who struggle with body image concerns, is that they often are afraid to speak up and get help for their distress. In our society there is a stigma about males speaking out about their struggles. They are taught to be “strong” and are told psychological and emotional struggles are “feminine” or “weak”. As a means to not look inadequate, these boys and men end up not expressing their concerns and thus lack healthy support. This internal suffering can lead to more serious mental health issues, such as eating disorders, depression and anxiety.

Eating disorders among men are rising everyday. According to the statistics cited by the National Eating Disorders Association, studies show 10 million men suffer from eating disorders. Also, disordered eating behaviors are almost as common with males as with females. The males I have seen in my clinical practice who struggle with eating disorders report experiencing body dissatisfaction as a major component of their life. They often state this dissatisfaction began at an early age and sometimes from bullying. This led to their obsession with the lean muscular build (often focusing on the upper body including the chest, arms and abs) and felt inadequate when they were not this muscular build. They tried hard to get to their unrealistic goal, even if it meant starving themselves, excessively exercising and loading up on supplements.

It is important to note, it can be normal and healthy to build strength in one’s body. However, it is best to understand the difference between unrealistic ideals—and what these ideals mean about someone’s worth—and with feeling strength in the body. We don’t need six-pack abs to feel or be strong. And having a “six-pack” does not mean you are any healthier in your body or will feel better about yourself.

We know its a problem, now what do we do?

First, we as members of our society, need to take steps to reduce the stigmatization about males sharing concerns. It is beneficial to teach our boys there is nothing wrong with feeling and expressing emotions. It can also help to educate the men in our lives about the importance of reaching out, connecting and expressing emotions with others. We can also help males know they are not alone in their body image concerns and educate them on how society’s messages on strength, attractiveness and masculinity are not healthy or accurate. We can encourage men who are struggling with these issues to seek professional help, and express admiration for their bravery in facing these deeply personal challenges with a professional.

For fellow professionals, we are doing great advocacy regarding helping women understand they are not alone in their body dissatisfaction and facilitating education on the inaccurate portrayals of woman. Currently, though, this advocacy is not as common for men. In treatment settings, private practices and doctors offices, it would help to increase the level of understanding and sensitivity about these concerns for me. This will help to create a healing message to males about their bodies. Also…let’s add more body positive articles, websites and social media pages for males!

And for our male role models and friendly superheroes, it can be beneficial to outwardly display what strength really means beyond one’s muscles… and ability to throw a magical hammer.

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Social Media: A “managed state of being”

“Listen to me!!!”: The importance of validation in relationships

Pain is inevitable but suffering is up to you

The body scale: Stop objectifying yourself and start listening to your body

So, you (or the males in your life) don’t look like Thor…and it’s OKAY!

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