“Not good enough!”: Messages we send our body

Lindsay M. Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

“Ugh, I hate my thighs.”
“I wish my stomach was flatter.”
“Why I am I not as flexible as Sally?”
“My knees always hurt. I wish I had better knees.”
“This is my ‘bad’ side. I always hurt there.”
“I am so weak.”

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

Take a moment and consider how you talk about your body. Do you often say similar judgmental and negative messages? ​

​Take another moment, and consider what the outcome would be if you said these same judgmental, negative and sometimes hateful messages towards another? ​

For instance, “Ugh, I hate you”, “I just wish you were more like John”, “I can’t believe you can’t pick up that box; you are so weak” or “Push yourself, touch your toes already!” 

If we said the same things we tell ourselves to someone else, it would undoubtedly be very hurtful. Yet, it’s not uncommon to verbally assault ourselves on a daily basis. Why do we give ourselves permission to say such hurtful things to ourselves?

Are we considering how saying these same hurtful messages about our own body might affect our relationship with ourselves? 

​Likely, we don’t. Though, there are times we might be blinded by how our words affect others, we can be even more unaware of how our words affect ourselves. We take more consideration on being kind towards others than we do about being kind towards ourselves.

Society influences the way we view our body

Society tells us everyday we are not good enough. Turn on your television, look at a billboard, flip through a magazine, go on Facebook or listen to the radio, and you will be overwhelmed with messages telling you how much you need to change your body. Here is just a small list of examples of ways “I am not good enough” is engrained by society:

1. We see photoshopped images of women and men with flawless skin telling us to buy a new acne cream. We think, “I wish I had skin like that” and go buy the cream. Then, when we don’t get the same results as the images, we think either, “This cream is useless, but I need to find a way to make my skin clearer” or “Something must be wrong with me because I can’t get rid of this acne”.
2. We see an advertisement showing men and women working out at the gym with chiseled abs, arms and legs. We think, “I really need to start working out. I am so weak and my arms are flabby.” Then, we start going to the gym. After a few months of daily 10 minute intense core workouts, we still don’t look like that person from the advertisement. We think, “What is wrong with me?! I can’t seem to get rid of this flab!”
3. We scroll through our Facebook account and notice a local yoga studio is showing a picture of a woman touching the back of her head with the back of her foot. We might think, “I am not that flexible. I can’t believe I can’t do that. I’ve been practicing for years!”
4. We go to the doctor and the nurse takes our weight. Our doctor pulls up a chart and tells us our BMI is too high. We feel confused because we work out regularly and feel happy about how many activities we can do. Then, we wonder “Really, I am ‘overweight’. I must not be doing things right”. 

There are so many ways we are programed to feel negatively about our bodies, I could spend all day writing them down. But, the important point is to know that the way society is telling us view our body is deeply flawed. This is due to being overly influenced by businesses such as the weight, diet and fashion industries which make billions of dollars off of us feeling horribly about our bodies so we purchase their products.
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Also, in our western culture we are overly focused on quick fixes and external states of being (such as measurements), rather than thinking about how we feel and function in our bodies. This influence extends beyond advertisements, television shows, movies and clothing stores. I used the last example of the doctor’s office visit, because even some medical doctors are buying into these ideas and believing every body needs to fit into a specific equation.  

Why is the relationship with our body so important?

• Besides the interpersonal relationship with our parents, one of the first relationships we have as a child is with our bodies. This relationship shapes how we will later think and feel about ourselves as a whole. For example, as infants we explore our bodies when we play with putting our feet in our mouths. As children, we can test the limits of our body when we walk, run, jump, hop and skip around. And, our parents are important parts of helping us learn how to engage in the relationship with our bodies. For instance, if parents create a sense of acceptance and safety as we learn to engage in our body, we will feel comfortable and happy with ourselves. If we experience shame or anxiety from our parents, we might end up feeling negatively about ourselves, thinking about how “bad” we are.

• How we treat our body is a great way to practice how we will engage in other relationships. We learn how to engage in future relationships from early relational experiences. Since the relationship with our body is one of the first relationships we have, how we engage with it will teach us how to engage in other relationships, such as with a significant other. So, if we can work towards having more kindness for our body, this kindness will translate to kindness towards ourselves as a whole, then towards others. ​

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• We can’t break up with our body. I know it might sound funny to say, but we can’t just say, “Sorry, Body, you are just too fat, ugly and old for me. I just can’t be around you anymore.” Yes, you might be able to get plastic or orthopedic surgery to change some things, but your body is the starting point and ending point. If you are spending a lot of time and energy hating or changing it, it’s likely wasted time. Your body can have a mind of its own, such as when we have an injury or illness. ​​

Working towards a healthier relationship with our body 

Take notice of what you say about your body. Are the words you use towards your body harsh? Are there other ways you could think about the struggles you are having? Such as, instead of saying you have a “bad” knee, think of it as needing some extra care. 

Pay attention to how you treat your body and provide it nourishment. Do you push your body beyond its limits? Listen to your body. If it’s tired, it’s tired. If it’s injured, it needs healing.

​Challenge views and messages you receive about your body. Such as, instead of accepting you need chiseled abs to be attractive and strong, you could challenge the idea and work towards understanding that strength in your body doesn’t look any specific way. Meaning, being able to notice the contour of every muscle in your body, doesn’t make you any stronger. 

Think, speak and act with your body just as you might a loved one. Think about it this way, this is a relationship you will have for the rest of your life (sorry no escaping it!). As difficult as it is, it is better to embrace your body and live in harmony than be at constant war. As in any relationship, the best way to create harmony is to listen, validate, attune and engage healthfully.

Most importantly, understand it’s a practice! 

Just as it is nearly impossible to have a perfect relationship with others 100% of the time, it is nearly impossible to have a perfect relationship with your body 100% of the time. Our bodies are constantly changing, and so it is always a practice to create a healthier relationship.