“Listen to me!!!”: The importance of validation in relationships

Lindsay Adler, LMFT, CEDS, E-RYT 200

You get home from a long day at work and as you sit down to relax, your partner asks how your day was. You share feelings of frustration about being yelled at by a customer. You are hoping your partner will listen and provide comfort, because your day seemed horrible. Somehow, it doesn’t turn out this way. Your partner also had a stressful day with students in the classroom. So, instead your partner tells you “that was nothing compared to my day; you have it so easy”. You feel a hallowing in your stomach and a sense of emptiness creeps over you. You want to understand your partner’s struggles, but you also feel alone in your own experience of wanting to connect and be heard. 

Have you ever taken the risk of sharing a feeling or thought about something to a friend or family member, only to leave the conversation feeling alone, frustrated or unheard? 

Most of us would answer that question with a big “YES”. 

Being vulnerable with someone by taking the risk of sharing something important and getting little reciprocity leads to an uncomfortable, yet common feeling of rejection or emotional invalidation.

Emotional invalidation is a leading cause of distress in relationships, because when someone does not feel heard or understood, they can often become defensive or isolate. For example, if we do not provide validation during times of disagreement or conflict, it can lead to an escalation of emotions as each person tries to be heard. 

Invalidation can also be seen within one’s self when we disregard or dismiss our feelings. This can lead to further distress as we fail to care for ourselves in a healthy way. 

What is emotional validation?
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In psychological and relational terms, validation is the recognition and affirmation that an individual’s thoughts, feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Emotional validation is the process of listening, recognizing and acknowledging someone’s internal experience as accepted and fully heard by the other. 

(Note: I will use the word validation in this blog to mean emotional validation in this specific psychological sense.)

To understand validation more fully, lets look at how it develops. Validation originates from our earliest experiences with our caregivers. In psychology we call this attachment. Attachment is the psychological connectedness (and process of psychological connectedness) between human beings which is formed through experiences with our caregivers as we develop from infants to adults. For example, as babies we are unable to care for ourselves, so we require assistance from our caregivers. This caring includes relying on physical needs such as bathing, feeding and changing our diapers and emotional needs such as soothing us when we feel upset. Validation is a direct experience of healthy attachment. 

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For instance, as we are learning to walk or run it’s not uncommon to do a face-plant on the ground and hurt ourselves. With healthy attachment, when we cry from falling down our caregiver will come to look at the cut, tell us “I know it hurts” and will reassure us we will be fine. In this situation, we experience a sense of deep connection as our pain is validated from our caregiver. Through this interaction, we perceive our caregiver saying, “I hear you are upset, I can see why and I am here to support you”. In response, we get up, and start running around the house again feeling invincible. This experience gives us the strength and courage to face the world.

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On the other end of the spectrum, imagine a caregiver did not attune (connect), validate, soothe or reassure the child, but instead ignored, laughed at or punished the child for falling. This child could end up feeling poorly about themselves, grow angry or saddened (as well as not know how to tolerate painful experiences—a topic for another blog). 

So, referencing the definitions of validation above and the explanation about how it relates to attachment, we can come to some important conclusions.

1. Validation is essential for self-esteem and self-worth. 
2. Validation leads to healthy relationships with others and one’s self.
3. Validation helps us to connect and feel connection with others.

A note on self-validation:
Self-validation also comes from healthy attachment from our caregivers. If we experienced healthy relationships and emotional validation as a child, it is easier to internalize those experiences as we age. This is often seen in adolescents and young adults as they move away from needing support from their caregivers to accomplish tasks, find motivation and face challenges. During this time, they are more able to self-soothe and validate. However, if we experienced unhealthy attachments or lacked validation from our caregivers as a child, we might be harsh on ourselves, experiencing blame, guilt and shame. 

Myths about validation

Before we look at how to validate others, it’s important to address two myths about validation I often hear when working with individuals, couples and families.

Validation is the same as “agreeing”. 
When I am working with individuals and families on increasing their use of validation, they often confuse validation with “agreeing”. For instance, they might say, “I don’t want to tell her I understand she feels ‘fat’ because I don’t believe she is ‘fat’”. 

​When we agree with someone, essentially, we are saying, ‘that is correct’ and we take their experience on as our own. When we provide validation, however, we are saying that we can understand why they might feel a certain way and in doing so, we are also saying what they are thinking or feeling is worthwhile. 

​Validation means I am going to make the situation worse.
Take the example of the child falling from above; imagine their caregiver did not acknowledge their pain because they were afraid the child would not stop crying. In this case, they would be invalidating the child’s experience in fear of it leading to more distress. This is not the case. Validation leads to deescalation, not escalation. When we feel heard by someone else, we feel better emotionally and physically. We experience a sense of comfort and connection leading us to feel less pain. Therefore, saying you understand why someone might feel sad, will not lead them to fall into a deep pool of depression. Rather, they will feel more able to tackle their sadness knowing they are not alone. 


How do we validate others?

Validation comes from being able to connect to someone else by trying to understand their point of view or experience. This means we might have to step out of our own shoes and take a step in someone else's. For instance, you might let them know you hear what they are expressing or you can understand why they might think or feel a specific way. Also, you can ask more about the experience, which will let them know you are attuning to their feelings and you care about them.  

Let’s look at some examples of how to validate using the story at the beginning of this blog. 

1. ”I imagine it must be stressful to be yelled at by customers. I can see how you would feel drained.” 
2. “I see how hard you work at helping customers, so getting yelled at must have been horrible.” 
3. “That must have been so frustrating! How did you deal with the customers?” 

Guess what, validation is difficult!

Why? 

During the times it is most important to validate someone, we are often experiencing our own intense emotions. We struggle to step out of our own experience and into another’s. For example, we might be struggling because we are arguing about something we have a different opinion about or we also feel upset about the situation being discussed. 

If you are struggling to validate the other person, let them know and explain why. It is best for the person to know you are wanting to connect with them in their experience but you are struggling at the moment. Discuss talking about the situation later when you might be able to attune more closely. And most importantly, get your own validation and help with your experience. Talking to a friend, mentor or professional about your struggles can help you better be able to engage more healthfully in the future. 

If you struggle with self-validation, it’s okay. You can learn to validate yourself over time through help from new healthy relationships and often a therapist. You can also work to unravel past experiences from your caregivers and gain new, validating and healthy internal dialogue, increasing your self-worth.

Remember, validation is not easy. We all struggle with it. We all need to experience validation to develop self-worth and connection in relationships. And know it can take time to learn the skills to validate, but it is possible!